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Children's Humor

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

 

 

 

 

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

 

 

 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 

 

 

 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

 

 

 

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or! ' That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

 

 

 

 

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doe sn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

 

 

 

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

 

 

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GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

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Bible stories, as retold by children.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God tired of creating the
world, so He took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark, which the animals came on to in
pears.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without ingredients.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up
on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The Fourth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The Sixth Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew King skilled at playing the lair. He fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she said the Magna
Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the
Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one on you. He also explained "Man doth not live by sweat
alone".

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were call the 12 decibles. The epistles
were wives of the apostles.

One of the oppossums was St. Mathew who was by profession a taximan.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie
heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm,
boy.

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Bible Study Humor
 LOTS  WIFE.   The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
 
 GOOD SAMARITAN
 A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up..'
 
 DID NOAH FISH?
 A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ? ''No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
 
 HIGHER POWER
 A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is? One child blurted out, ' Aces!'
 
 MOSES AND THE RED SEA
 Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
 
 'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.
 
 'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
 
 THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
 A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
 On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
 
 UNANSWERED PRAYER
 The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
 'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.
 
 UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
 During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
 Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
 
 ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
 When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'
 Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
 
 SAY A PRAYER
 Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
 'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
 'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
 'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'
 

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