misc-jokes

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Childrens Bible Study Humor
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Kids Say the Strangest Things
Unusual Interesting Facts
Irish Jokes and Humor
Tasteless Jokes
Misc Jokes

Welcome to Fun and Wit. This is a collection of jokes, wit and humor in various forms which has arrived in my In box over a period of time. We hope you enjoy the humor and have a laugh or two! It's not the most comprehensive humor site on the Net by any means but we're sure you'll find a few giggles here. The site is a work in progress and will be expanding as time goes on.   If you have any particularly good jokes you'd like to submit please send them to zone123 @ gmail - dot-com. We have a particular liking for Wit and the clever use of language. Enjoy !

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I LOVE YOU IN 20 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:
English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   Je T'aime
German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   Ti Amo
Chinese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas,
South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee,
Mississippi and Kentucky. . . . . . . . . . . . . Nice Tits

WINE ANYONE?

Wal-Mart announced that, on July 1, 2011, it will begin offering
customers a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The
world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo
Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in
the $2- $5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart
brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive
wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of
Arkansas, Bentonville. She said: "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name
for the WalMart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of
popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either Possum or Squirrel.

Dumb Questions

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Socks the wonder
dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had
a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I
didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although
I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's
ass, and a car hit us both.

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore....

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time that produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...what? (Oh, crumbs, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days!
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog. would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says , "Well then, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

What's the difference between a man and a dog?
A man wears a suit, a dog just pants.

That's Punny
1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery.
2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
14. Without geometry, life is pointless.
15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Six Affairs

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awakening around 8:00pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he
told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass
and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into
his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when
he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an
affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon.   I
fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced
down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing
golf!"

The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son
they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got
pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months
later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He
took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had
ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could
be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been
fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this
time!"

The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made
an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had
ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It
has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools
to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase
and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I
have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and
opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife screamed,
"Schwartz is dead!"

The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she
quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he
entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The
Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much; I got one for
us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they
went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed,
went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a
glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days
and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?"
exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could
I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and
a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that
comes to real money." "How much money" inquires the man? Four
cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?" exclaimed the man. "Where's
the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my
wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The
bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil
by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my
love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said
in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's
nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all
right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

-- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

-- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

-- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

-- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

-- The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

-- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

-- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

-- The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

-- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

-- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

-- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

-- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

-- A will is a dead giveaway

-- A backward poet writes inverse.

-- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

-- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

-- A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum blownapart.

-- He broke into song after he couldn't find the key.

-- A calendar's days are numbered.

-- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
-- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
-- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
-- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis
-- Acupuncture: a jab well done.

A man walks into a surgery "doctor" he cries "I think I'm shrinking".
"I’m sorry, sir there are no appointments at the moment" says the physician "you will just have to be a little patient".

Difference between men and women

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine--"la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine--"le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.


So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

     1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won.

Thieves made off with a toilet from police station.
Police say they have nothing to go on

The English language

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work
slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers
don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?

Worst Day

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!"

Only in America......

do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to

the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

   Only in America......

do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,

and a diet coke.

Only in America......

do banks leave both doors open and then chain the

   pens to the counters.

Only in America......

do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the

driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

   Only in America......

do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in

packages of eight.

Only in America......

do we use the word 'politics' to describe the

process so well:   'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many'

and 'tics' meaning' bloodsucking creatures'.

   Only in America.....

do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille

lettering.

   EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline

"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid

made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

   Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is it that you drive on a Parkway and park on a Driveway?

   Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

   Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why

don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

   What makes Teflon stick to frying pans?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?



Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

   If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For t his, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it. '

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.

1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It .

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer