Religious Humorous Stories
How Many Church People does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
CHARISMATIC: Only one. Hands already in the air.
ROMAN CATHOLICS: None. They use candles.
PENTECOSTALS: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against
the spirit of darkness.
PRESBYTERIANS: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on
and off.
EPISCOPALIANS: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say
how much they liked the old one better.
MORMONS: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him
how to do it.
UNITARIANS: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey
you have
found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to
write
a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship
with your
light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday
service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions,
including
incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of
which are
equally valid paths to luminescence.
METHODISTS: Two. One to change the bulb and one to check the
"Manual
for Changing Bulbs in the Methodist Church."
BAPTISTS: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three
committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a casserole.
LUTHERANS: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
The
Garden of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls
out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know You've created me and
have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful
animals, and that hilarious comedy
snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the
reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to
death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a
solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature,
with aggressive tendencies, an
enormous ego and an inability to
empathize or listen to you properly.
All in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But, he'll be bigger and faster and
more muscular than you. He'll be really
good at fighting and kicking
a ball about and hunting fleet-footed
ruminants, and will help to
populate the Earth."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with
an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke
in the eye with a sharp stick.
But, you can only have him on one
condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that
I made him first."
In the beginning...
In the
beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth
with broccoli
and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's
and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want Chocolate with
that?" And Man said "Ye
ah," And Woman said, "and
another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And
the stockholders were very happy. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep
the figure that Man found so fair. Satan brought forth white flour from
the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went
from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan
presented Thousand-Island dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on
the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables And olive
oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish
and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. Hilltop
Steak House thrived! And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went
through the roof.
God created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food
Cake," and said "It is good." Satan then created
chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those
extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to
toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before
the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent
double Cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?" And
Man replied, "Yeh! And super size 'em." And Satan said
"It is good." And Man went
into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
A Guy Is Out
golfing...
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out
golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one.
Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this
huge knot on his head,
and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor
little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and
square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I
didn’t hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a
nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him
unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life."
Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same
course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and
goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same
little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game
is?"
The golfer says, "It’s great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your
money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put
my hand in my pocket, I pull out ten euro’s."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I
ask how your love life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a
date maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a
week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well,
that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
SIP the VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so
nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous
on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned
off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take
this and eat it for it is my
body." He did not say " Eat
me" .
12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub,
Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not
a peter pulling contest
at St. Taffy's.
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Oh, Father
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their
car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears
that they will have to spend the night in a motel.
The only motel in this town has only one room available, so they have a
minor problem.
PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll
sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
SISTER: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would
mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
PRIEST: You're probably right... Get up and get your own damn blanket!
The Amish
Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but, especially by two shiny, silver
walls that
could move apart and, then, slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I
have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular
numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and, then,
the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls
opened up
again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped
out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his
son, "Go get your mother!"
The Religious Humorous Stories now
start getting a little more colorful !
Smart Young Son !
A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work. Her nine year old son
comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the wardrobe and watches them.
All of a sudden the husband comes. Wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing
that her son is in there. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer ball.
- That's nice.
- Do you want to buy it?
- No, thanks.
- My dad is outside.
- Ok, how much?
- 250 dollars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got soccer cleats.
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
- How much?
- 750 dollars.
- Ok.
After a few days, father says to his son:
- Lets go and play soccer.
- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.
- How much did you get?
- 1000 dollars.
- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.... that's much more than they are worth.
That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.
Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
- It's dark here.
Priest:
- Don't start with that shit again!!!
The Sunday School
Class
The
nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she
asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of
your body goes first?"
Suzy
raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why
do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy
replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God
just takes your hands first."
"What
a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little
Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
legs."
The
nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now,
Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little
Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy
had her legs straight up in the air and she was
saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't
pinned her down, we'd have
lost her."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent,
a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day,
in walked Sister Mary
Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the
brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never
do that! I've never sold alcohol
to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother
Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps
her constipation, you
know."
So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and
walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary
Katherine; and she was snookered.
She was singing and dancing, whirling
around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there
on the sidewalk. A
crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister
Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother
Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it
is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
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