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SIP the VODKA                  

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous
On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the wardrobe and watches them. All of a sudden the husband comes. Wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer ball.
- That's nice.
- Do you want to buy it?
- No, thanks.
- My dad is outside.
- Ok, how much?
- 250 dollars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is. 
- I've got  soccer cleats.
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
- How much?
- 750 dollars.
- Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
- Lets go and play soccer.
- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.
- How much did you get?
- 1000 dollars.
- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.... that's much more than they are worth. That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.
Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
- It's dark here.
Priest:
- Don't start with that shit again!!!

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The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

 

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How Many Church People does it take to screw in a light bulb?

CHARISMATIC: Only one. Hands already in the air.

ROMAN CATHOLICS: None. They use candles.

PENTECOSTALS: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

PRESBYTERIANS: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

EPISCOPALIANS: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say

how much they liked the old one better.

MORMONS: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him

how to do it.

UNITARIANS: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or

against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have

found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write

a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your

light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday

service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including

incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are

equally valid paths to luminescence.

METHODISTS: Two. One to change the bulb and one to check the "Manual

for Changing Bulbs in the Methodist Church."

BAPTISTS: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three

committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a casserole.

LUTHERANS: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

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Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"

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One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life."
Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It’s great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out ten euro’s."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

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 Oh, Father
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their
car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears
that they will have to spend the night in a motel.
The only motel in this town has only one room available, so they have a
minor problem.

PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll
sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
SISTER: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would
mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
PRIEST: You're probably right... Get up and get your own damn blanket! 

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Bible stories, as retold by children:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God tired of creating the
world, so He took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark, which the animals came on to in
pears.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without ingredients.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up
on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The Fourth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The Sixth Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultry.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew King skilled at playing the lair. He fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she said the Magna
Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the
Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one on you. He also explained "Man doth not live by sweat
alone".

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were call the 12 decibles. The epistles
were wives of the apostles.

One of the oppossums was St. Mathew who was by profession a taximan.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie
haven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm,
boy.

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The Amish  Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by

almost everything they saw, but, especially by two shiny, silver walls that

could move apart and, then, slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never

seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady

in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular

numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and, then, the

numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up

again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his

son, "Go get your mother!"

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In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want Chocolate with that?" And Man said "Yeh," And Woman said, "and another one with sprinkles."  And they gained 10 pounds. And the stockholders were very happy. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables And olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. Hilltop Steak House thrived! And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double Cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yeh! And super size 'em." And Satan said "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

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The Garden of Eden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know You've created me and have provided this beautiful

garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy

snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an

enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly.

All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and

more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking

a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and will help to

populate the Earth."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

But, you can only have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

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 Bible Study Humor
 LOTS  WIFE.   The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
 
 GOOD SAMARITAN
 A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up..'
 
 DID NOAH FISH?
 A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ? ''No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
 
 HIGHER POWER
 A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is? One child blurted out, ' Aces!'
 
 MOSES AND THE RED SEA
 Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
 
 'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.
 
 'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
 
 THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
 A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
 On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
 
 UNANSWERED PRAYER
 The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
 'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.
 
 UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
 During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
 Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
 
 ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
 When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'
 Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
 
 SAY A PRAYER
 Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
 'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
 'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
 'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'
 

 

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