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Irish Jokes
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, you are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
A Southern Joke
A man who was born, reared, and educated in Rhode Island took a job in
Clayton, NC after a short military stint. He liked North Carolina so much
that he stayed, married, and had a family. When his widowed father retired,
he invited him to move to a nice retirement community near him. His father,
tired of the cold Rhode Island winters, decided to give it a try.
After a month of living in the retirement community, he and his son were
having dinner together and the son asked, "Dad, how do you like living
in the South after all those years in Rhode Island?"
"Well, son," he replied. "I like it a lot. The people are really friendly and everyone seems to have a nickname. For instance, Tom is called "The
Mechanic" by everyone in spite of the fact that it's been over 20 years
since he's worked on a car. And Bill has not practiced medicine for at
least 15 years, but everyone still calls him "Doc."
"So, Dad, do you have a nickname?"
"Yes, I do. Even though I have not had sex in the 10 years since your
mother died, everyone refers to me as that "Fucking Yankee."
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to
her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know
you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as
your elbow, I'm in room 221."
Bill worked in a pickle factory! . He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill
came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said.
"We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,
"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
HOOKED ON EBONICS
LeRoy is a 20 year old 9th grader. This is LeRoy's homework
assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. Foreclose - If I pay alimony dis month, I got no money foreclose.
2. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my ol'lady rectum both.
3. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs and da ho-tel everybody.
4. Disappointment - My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment dey gonna send me back to da big house.
5. Penis - I be at da doctor and he hand me a cup and say penis.
6. Israel - Alonso try da sell me a Rolex. I said, man dat be fake. He said bullshit, dat watch Israel.
7. Catacomb - Don King be at da fight da other night, man somebody oughta give dat catacomb.
8. Undermine - Dere's a fine lookin hoe livin in da partment undermine.
9. Acoustic - When I be liddle, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da pool hall.
10. Iraq - When we be at da pool hall, I tol my uncle Iraq, you break.
11. Stain - My motha-in-law stopped by and I axed her do ya plan on stain for dinner?
12. Seldom - My cousin gave me two tickets to da Nicks game, so I seldom.
13. Honor - At da rape trial, da Judge axed my buddy, who be honor first?
14. Odyssey - I tol my brother, you odyssey da tits on dat hoe.
15. Axe - Da policeman wanted to axe me some questions.
16. Tripoli - I be gonna buy my ol'lady a bra for her birthday, but I couldn't find a Tripoli.
17. Fortify - I axed da hoe how much? She said fortify.
18. Income - I be in bed with da hoe and income my wife.
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?.....
Erotic, you use a feather. Kinky you use the whole chicken.
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Holy Water !
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in
heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
He asks the first nun Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with
a penis???
The nun giggles and replies, Well, once I touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger.
St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and
pass through the gate.
St Peter asks the next nun the same question Sister Elizabeth have you
ever had any contact with a penis..
The nun is a little reluctant but reply's Well I once fondled and
stroked one..
St Peter says, OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the
gate...
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One
nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front of the line St Peter says Sister, Sister what seems to be the
rush???
The nun reply's If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want
to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.....
When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!"
WordPerfect????
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the
helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
"little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord "goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall,"
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too f----ing stupid to own a computer."
Hillbilly Divorce
A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger.That's why I want this dayvorce."
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. this goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here?
Are they treating you all right?" They ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
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